The Difficulty of Age

Well here it is a blustery day in December in the rural lands of Ontario. There's snow on the ground and the wind is bitterly cold. I feel every inch of my 57 years in these bones and wonder how I'm going to get moving enough to launch this so called career. It's been very hard of late to feel motivated and it got me thinking about age and being a musician.

I started this gig when I was in my late teens and gave it up when I was told I wasn't very good. Maybe I wasn't, but the point is I listened to my friends and put down the guitar. It took over 28 years to come back to it and I find after slogging it out for the last 10 years, I'm tired. I'm not sure I can keep moving foward, keep the momentum up to make it work.

That's a little sad. I can't compete with the younger crowd and their stamina on the road. I don't like the cold and I just want to curl up in my bed and read books. Don't get me wrong, I love playing the guitar but I fear I don't have what it takes to keep moving forward.

I can hear my friends groaning now. Thinking, get over yourself. But it's a very real feeling and I wonder if others have it too.

What do you do when you get to a certain age and you haven't "made" it? Do you give up? Do you teach? Do you find another outlet for your passion? It also gets me thinking about what I'm willing to endure to keep going. And what will the end look like?

Can I make enough money to survive? Can I get ahead? In this cold place, I'm not sure I can.

I've spent a lot of years coasting in menial jobs but keeping a roof over my head and making a living. Now that's all gone and it scares me. I wonder if I have the energy to keep beating my head against the wall.

A friend once said there is a time to live by the water and be fed by ravens. I think it's a biblical story. For me that means the creatures that ravage your soul but it's sustaining...much like a crow.

I don't want that. Actually I don't know what I want. I'd like to survive doing what I think I love to do. Ah there's the rub...thinking and knowing. Two very different things.

Hmmm....